Humbled

I’ve spent almost the last three weeks with my dad, and I’ve realized just how deceitful sin really is.  I’ve spent the last four years holding things against my parents because behaviors that hurt wouldn’t stop, but I was totally blind to the fact that the irritation is made worse because I wouldn’t let go.  I believe that there are levels of forgiveness, and I have as God convicts me continually forgiven people and released them.  What has been hard is that I keep getting hurt and feeling treated the same way, but what if part of this being hurt is the fact that i’m still choosing to point my finger at them?  I’ve continually held things against my dad and then I wake to the stark reality that I behave the same way.  How long will I continually strive against man to avoid being hurt?  It’s because I have refused to love my dad right where he is, even when the junk is still there.  I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to love him in the present.  Part of the reason why I haven’t been loving him in the present is that I haven’t loved him from past memories, I’ve held against him things that have continually been done to me and not let go.  So every time a behavior takes place that reminds me of past hurts and offenses I look at him AND God and myself through that old lense. Thank God that He is so gracious, merciful, and patient with me.  He even has been using all the stuff I’ve been going through to bring about the Life that He wants in me and to teach me to love with His Love, not my own.