A very interesting video on God’s definition of sex vs. humanity’s. Sex is the intermingling of two separate beings into one. It’s not simply just reproduction and it’s not child’s play. It carries with it a heavy price of giving a part of yourself away to that other person. Imagine how disconnected it can become when you’ve had multiple partners who likely also have had multiple partners. A lot of confusion about who you are!
I had so many desires and demands for God to come through the way I wanted Him to, when I wanted Him to. There were times where it felt like after an amazing encounter with the love of God where He literally washed my conscious and gave me a hope and a reason to live, but He wouldn’t do it for those that I loved. I didn’t understand. I wanted my father to be made new, to taste and see that He is good and all freedom from the effects of our brokenness is found in Him. He is really more than just a name or concept that we just talk at and hope that some of our prayers reach Him. Everything that our hearts could ever want or need is found in Him . Intimacy. Healing. Peace. Meaning. Identity. The issue here is that we as humans tend to want it all now, and not to go through the pain and the price that His love for us cost Him. We don’t want to ache with His heart in the hallway. I wanted so bad for things to change now, and I thought something was wrong with God, myself, and others because what happened to me did not seem to be happening to my family. Now on the others side of that, it finally is apparent that God cares all along, and He cares enough to allow suffering so that His love will be worked-out in us. Live hurts, and there is a price that comes with it. Are you willing to love when God is not manifesting the way we’ve experienced? When it seems that the circumstances surrounding His promises are contradictory to His promises? That is the womb by which His nature is birthed in us. The natural birthing process takes nine years. Israel became a nation in 1948. When did world war 2 officially start? Nine years earlier when Germany invaded Poland – the main territory in which the death camps such as Auschvitz were built. So Poland was literally the womb of the Jewish peoples’ birthing pangs as they transitioned from exile to being an official nations once again. That is how intentional God is in even the most painful and unjust situations in our lives. He will birth something even better out of the opposition coming from Ishael and Esau’s descendants as well. It is painful for them right now, and it seems impossible for there to ever be a solution to the endless hatred toward them from the surrounding Muslim Goliath. I believe that God is going to reach the Jewish people and they will see that all along Yeshua has been with them, waiting for the coming day when they finally would turn to Him, and God will in turn reach the lost Muslim world through Israel – for God loves them also!
Such will His promise work out for us. He wants us to prosper and have good things, but this only comes when the Life of His Son is works out in our lives. Therefore, He must deal with our shortsightdness, our tendencies to be disappointed for sometimes good reasons, our expectations for how things should look or be restored(especially good things such as family and personal restoration), really it’s all our weakness of unbelief that looks at everything from a pre-Cross,self-oriented perspective instead of a post-Cross, God-perspective. Wondering why that person that you cry outo to God for doesn’t seem to be any different? Or where yur dreams for a business or ministry to a people-group, or to write a book or be a politician have gone. God wants us to rule in life with Jesus, but that is only possible when our tendencies to still do it out of our own well-meaning strength and abilities are out of the way and His character is world out in us. Otherwise, the business or career or desire for others would replace Him and we would take the glory from Him instead of sharing in His glory. God is faithful, and He is faithful enough and patient enough with us to save us for our own well-meaning desires that tend to want to create an Ishmael instead of waiting decades for the promise of Isaac to come forth.
Do not lose heart! He really does care and H really does want good things for us.
Just thinking….there are so many things going on in the world today that get us riled up(myself included). What if its ok that we don’t agree with others in any number of areas of life, and others don’t agree with us? Proving somebody wrong and ourselves right only works to divide us further. Love is the only way. Does this mean we compromise our convictions and what is dear to our heart of hearts? No! Honor is celebrating somebody , not trying to be them. I have a lot of opinions and perspectives on things, but if all I care about is making others see my point of view, who’s profiting? Not God, that’s for sure. And am I helping others? Nope. I’m just building an Empire made of clay while tearing down somebody else’s potential to be who God called them to be.
I got really offended and hurt the other night by somebody whom I thought was a friend, but it turned out that their assumptions and standards mean that they interpret my values and where I stand as something that it totally is not. I do not want to ever compromise my values on sexual purity and waiting until marriage. I understand that sexual sin is one of the biggest struggles of humanity and in no way want to pass judgement on others. I have struggled off and on for years with pornography and lusting. In and of myself I can’t defeat it. However, I cannot excuse it or turn it into a slap on the wrist when God seriously wants people to be free from it. There is no life in it, and pretending there is helps nobody. That’s why I got hurt, because somebody says that any guy who does not have sex with women must be gay. Seriously? It hurt because I could tell they were serious and not simply joking like they normally do with me. To each their own I guess. They had a choice. I have a choice. Take offense or choose to love and pray for them. Pray that their values line up with God’s values and for their heart to be broken for what God sees in sexuality, not what society, culture, and human nature sees. One of the biggest ways that born again believers stand out – besides uncompromisingly loving and not judging people – is when we stand for righteousness and especially when it comes to God’s order of sexuality. God’s standard is so much deeper than human flesh’s, and only God’s conviction can free a person to repent and seek His grace and mercy to change their hearts to be like Him and not live by the ways of this fallen world. I wanted to put this person in their place with how right I am and how wicked and selfish and superficial their perspective is. What would that help? Nothing. Would probably stiffen their resolve to see things the way they do, and I’d end up putting them down and condemning them so that I’d feel better. How does that show them God’s love? That line between love and compromise sometimes is not always what we think. There is no formula that works every time. Sometimes it may take a strong rebuke, others times we need to keep our mouths shut. Only God can work in us and through us in those uncomfortable and sometimes humiliating situations when we want to be understood and the other person(s) just aren’t going to. Thank You, God, for Your mercy and patience. And Thank You for grace to love and to know when to stand and when rest.
Well, my job is currently frustrating the daylights out of me. There are situations that I have been in that my flesh has been screaming ‘stop it people!’. What do we do with those situations such as a job where our livelihood is on the line and we are underequipped in the circumstances of the day to handle it. I came in to work with us being short of two items and we ended up running out of over five items tonight. We only had two cooks and one cashier scheduled. I had to prep some meat because we ran out of big hamburgers. I’m thankful that I learned how to do this, but it was at a time which, of course, we were busy and stretched beyond our capacity to possibly handle it. Not to mention that there was an epedemic of milkshake ordering that seemed to never end – front-of-house is responsible for making milk shakes which can create a conflict of interest because the machines are right in front of the counter where customers are waiting for us to take their orders. It is not very pleasant and very easy to resent the customers who are actually the reason we have a job because without them we go out of business. How do I get over my own desire to avoid those situations where I know I am vulnerable to being at the mercy of customers’ attitudes when we are busy beyond our manpower to possibly handle? And then the issue of things running out of stock or not enough prepped because we can NOT always predict when it will suddenly be busier. All of this to say, I made it through this evening and did not have any major confrontation with upset customers or anything of the like. I just would prefer to business to match our preparedness, especially since it’s not my fault that items were under-ordered – but even if it was my fault and I were responsible for that I still would want a break from people pointing fingers at me just like I’m catching myself wanting to point fingers at my store manager whose shoes I am NOT it. The point then? I can not control everything or other people, so my job is always to love people and do my best in excellence and a desire to lift others up. Attitude creates the weather in our lives, and even when we are handed a bad hand of cards that set us up for possible humiliation, we can choose to either believe we are the victim and expect the world to feel sorry for us or take the high road of humility and thankfulness. I’m not there yet – BUT GOD by His grace can get me there!
I am amazed about how much has changed since I first opened this blog up I think back in 2009. Back then, my focus was on the belief that I was stuck under my parents’ thumb and that God was basically asking me to leave my parents and never look back. This was only part truth, a lie from the Enemy. There are times where God may require us to undergo opposition from those we love when we breakaway from the norm, and this does include when the ‘norm’ is good. This was the case. Neither of us were wrong, but who was right did not matter so much as God is right. I took offense because I felt like I was expected to admit I was wrong and the other was right. It felt emasculating and I was so bitter and unforgiving and I never gave my parents a chance. I never saw their heart, I just saw how I felt. My heart was still in the old way of thinking that clings to others for my own self-benefit instead of loving them with open-hands and letting them choose to love me back. being rejected or abandoned was so scary and I did not want to face the hurt that I had been through from my mom and dad’s divorce and then my mom and step dad nearly divorce my senior year in high school when I was transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. My maturity severely digressed at that point because the stability that I had was completely pulled out from under me. I lived from that moment on trying to please myself while appeasing my parents so that they wouldn’t reject me, kick me out of the house, or abandon me. I loved them, but my focus was more on myself and getting what I could out of them instead of coming underneath them and honoring them from my heart while being my true self. I did not know my true self back then. i just knew a young man who did not have a clue about who he was and was so desperate for a father’s affection and was broken-hearted because that had been denied him a second time by one whom he thought was his dad’s replacement. Now, all these years later – years of frustration, fear, resentment, confusion, and clinging, God has replaced that fear and demand that my parents approve of me so that I don’t have to face rejection with a heart of honor, unconditional love, and desire to truly honor and love my parents with open hands. this is very risky, as truly loving means that at times I may be required to say things or make choices that they do not agree with; and they could leave me. But love does not try to make someone stay. Love loves and keeps on loving even when the other person does not receive it. love builds up, it seeks to find the good in the other person, and desires that the bad be weeded out of them because it cares about them, not because that other person’s bad things is making my life inconvenient. Love does not demand that the other person be us, and it does not demand that the other person be where we want them to be so that we will not have to deal with our own fear for them. that’s very hard to decipher, because God certainly does not call for passivity in relationship. If there’s concern, then it needs to be voice, but not so that we do not have to feel afraid for them. This is very hard in parent-child relationships, especially as the child becomes an adult and begins to establish themselves as separate and equal to their parents. Parents don’t want to let go, but sometimes the child doesn’t either. Parents want to keep the memories close and hold on for far too long, but so does the child at times. I wanted so bad for things to get better in the home that I grew up in that I found myself believing that I was towing the line between pleasing God and pleasing my parents. It was so confusing, but God did not abandon me. His purposes were for them as well as me. My desire now is not to prove myself right and them wrong, neither is it to ‘make them see’ my perspective out of desire to see them prosper spiritually. My desire is that I enjoy them for who they are and speak life and honor to them and when there is disagreement I can turn it around into thankfulness for their hearts and honor them while not necessarily doing what they think if God is not leading me that way. Love does not demand that the other agree, it does not seek for status quo so that we do not have to deal with rejection, abandonment, conflict, confrontation, etc. Love does not rejoice when evil triumphs, and it does not allow for relationships to remain unhealthy, because mis-aligned relationships hurt both parties. If my mom, dad, or step-dad ever read this, I am sorry that in years past I did not see you for your desires for good in my life. I was wrong in that, even though I may have been right about what I felt God prompting me to do. You can be completely right, but still be wrong. I am sorry that I wasted so much time trying to defend myself and protect myself from having to face rejection or abandonment and the pain that came with it when I could have been enjoying you and seeing you for your heart, even if we didn’t see eye to eye. The summer that I worked at the camp in Colorado, God branded on my heart the perspective of parents who are trying the best they know how to help their children but feel powerless when their child is making decisions that are risky. It is so hard to not want to make the person make our decision, especially when we know we are right. Trying to get those kids to see that keeping their water bottles filled so that they don’t dehydrate was so frustrating because they did not see from our perspective. We were responsible for them, but they were just being them. To have a heart that empowers and inspires takes time to revamp and learn to not want to make or ‘convince’ the other person to do what we think they should out of our own fear. I was humbled and for the first time saw how it was for you. I am grateful that you have and always will care enough to say something, and I believe that if I choose to honor you and be thankful for your involvement in my life even if I don’t agree, that a huge burden will no longer be on your shoulders because you will know that your heart is heard and understood by me. that is what people need. When we honor people, especially parents and family, we acknowledge and see them for how God sees them, and we deal with the things that need to change in the relationship out of that heart, not to simply try to maintain status quo to protect ourselves.
When Jacob laid on the stone at the place that became known as Beth-el, he had a dream in which he saw God standing at the top of a stairway that led from earth to heaven, or rather heaven to earth. This dream was an event that was to mark the rest of his life. He would always remember and take heed in the turbulent years ahead of God’s promises for him. God chose Jacob not because he qualified based on the general first-born son tradition(which is not evil in and of itself), nor because God was a respecter of Jacob and not Esau. God chose Jacob because he chose Jacob. Plain and simple. This would have the enmity of Esau towards Jacob during these years, especially after Jacob had cheated Esau out of his birthright by his cunning. Jacob was a wrestler, not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. He knew how to find ways to take what was promised to him. The question is, did God endorse this? Did God agree with him cheating Esau? I think not. I seriously do not believe that God intended for Jacob to cheat his brother. After all, God’s design for family was unity and love. I believe that God wanted Esau to have a part in Jacob’s inheritance. That’s just my opinion based on God’s heart. God promised to bless Ishmael and his decendents in spite of the fact that the (P)romise was to come through the natural born son of Abraham and Sarah – Isaac. God obviously saw Ishmael, as was confirmed by Hagai’s encounter with God where she called Him the God who Sees – even me!
Why did Jacob, then, who was promised the blessing, have to cheat his brother and drive a deeper wedge into his family than was already there just based on the fact that Esau wanted the birthright but was for some reason not promised it? What I am about to converse on is an overview on an inherent belief in God’s people that was exemplified in the life of Jacob.
Jacob was a homely young man. He was clean-shaven and not the ruffian that his brother was. I would daresay that most would pick Esau to be the one to carry-on the family inheritance. He had the stout-hearted ability equal to the likes of Richard the Lion-Heart or Samson. Yet God chose Jacob. He said that the older would serve the younger. Kind of like the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Everything about Jacob on the outside showed a lacking of ability to carry-on the dignity to the Promise that his fathers had been given. Esau was the better man on the outside for a job. Yet Jacob, who had been given the promise, still saw the need to deceive and cheat his brother to gain what was rightfully his. Now, I am all for fighting for what is ours – especially when there are those who would seek to steal it. If we did not, then our Nation that we know and love would not be. Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union and Communism would have taken over the world. Or America would be like Canada and Australia – still distinctly tied to the identity of England’s royal legacy. America could not have been what it became by continuing as an underling of Britain.
But at what cost do we fight for our inheritance? By cheating our loved ones? By stirring up an already tense situation due to jealousy and lack of understanding as to why one was chosen over the other for the job(NOT loved more – there is a difference – Jacob was chosen for the job, God loved Esau also – just despised him in comparison to the mercy He chose to extend to Jacob). Jacob left home on the run and scared to death. He went to the land where his mother originated from and immediately went to work to try to gain the love of Rachel even if it took 7 years. He went through countless cheatings and deceit from his Uncle Laban, something that was certainly not honorable – especially for the years of service and commitment that Jacob gave to Laban. But what was Jacob after, really? Was he after Rachel? Or was he after something more? Rachel certainly could not fill the void in his heart, and the Promise that God had given Him could not by itself fullfill Jacob either. Jacob came out of the womb trying to grab Esau’s heel and pull him back so that HE would be first. He felt that only by being good enough could he obtain what was already his. Being first was his life-mission up to this point. If he could attain the first woman that he loved, Rachel, then he would have arrived. But he was deceived and given the second choice, one that he did not want. The years of understandable strife between the two sisters must have torn Jacob apart. He probably wanted to at least acknowledge Leah since he was stuck with her, but his heart was with Rachel. Yet Leah bore more children than Rachel. His union with Leah was more fruitful than that with Rachel, though he loved Rachel more and viewed Leah as simply a squeeky third-wheel in comparison. All these years Jacob was after one thing. He knew, alright, that God had chosen him. His encounter with God at Bethel was forever branded on his heart. Yet still, there was a part deep inside Jacob that just could not believe that the Promise was enough. I mean, after all, he did come out of Rebekah’s womb last. The fact that he could not meet the general guidelines as the first-born haunted him, though he could not put it into words. His every action of striving against his brother and his uncle show a deep-seeded belief that his circumstances at birth disqualified him from God’s promise. He felt that he had to fight on his own to grasp onto what was right in front of him.
When his favor with Laban began to depart and it was time to leave, he deceived Laban once again and acquired great wealth. All the way back to the land of his father and brother, Jacob still carried this cunning and craftiness to arrange things so that they would be in his favor. When he heard that Esau was drawing near with an army, he sent his maid-servants and Leah in small bands ahead of him so as to appease Esau in hopes that these actions would imply good-will towards his affronted brother. And finally, when all of his family had gone ahead of him and he was left alone, a Man came and wrestled with him until daybreak. What happened hear was more than simply a physical wrestling matching to see who could pin the other down into submission. Jacob was confronted by the One that he had truly been striving against all this time. Jacob felt that God’s simple promise could not be enough to qualify him. He had to be ‘good enough’. He had to arrange things so that God’s promises for his inheritance would come to pass. All of his wheeling and dealing, striving and deceiving, was driven by this inherent belief that he still had to do something extra on top of God’s promise to qualify. He was a victim of circumstance because of being second instead of first, and the cruel world of Esau and Laban would NEVER cooperate with God’s promise. This root of unbelief could only be thwarted and confronted by God Himself. All these years Jacob had been striving and refusing to rest in God’s promise because he felt that he wasn’t worthy of God’s best, and others’ actions such as Laban appeared to confirm this inherent belief. Yet God, in His mercy, was actually saving Jacob from himself. God already knew that Jacob would struggle with insecurity over his own worth and qualifications due to his circumstances in life. Jacob’s hopes to qualify for the Promise by being first instead of last would ruin the Promise that God had given Jacob. Jacob would not appreciate nor hold true endearment towards a fulfilled Promise if he had to earn it by means of self-preservation. It would ruin him. He would always have to be good enough for the next thing. So God allowed Jacob to suffer and travail under intense disappointment and anguish, with a torn family of his own and his childhood home pierced through the heart. God had to get the message across to Jacob that Jacob was fine just as he was, not because he could hit the game-winning home run. That final encounter alone at the banks of the Jabbok was the confrontation with Jacob’s destiny. God came to show Jacob His love, yet still Jacob felt that he had to do something first. All God wanted was for Jacob to let go. That, after all, is what true repentance is – letting go and letting God. God finally broke Jacob’s hip and forever changed Jacob’s view on things. For the first time, Jacob realized that all along the promise was always his and he did not need to cheat his brother or his uncle. Jacob was for the first time at peace with himself. He had laid down, after much struggling and restistance, the need to prove himself to be somebody that he already was.
When Jacob finally encountered Esau, trying to appease or qualify for the love and forgiveness of others was no longer in the picture. Jacob was at peace with himself, and for the first time possibly ever, he realized that he loved his brother Esau, and he was truly sorry for what he had done.
What does this have to do with us, or me, you may ask? Well, we all struggle with this inherent need to be good enough. Our own conciousness of sin combined with feelings of rejections and lack of love combine to feed this monster that rears it’s ugly head every time we feel threatened by others’ blessings, or imperfect relationships with family and friends, or are about to take that next big step in our careers. Until we come to peace with the fact that God loves us just as we are, and that no matter what is happening in us or around us our value does not change, we will always manifest out of this some form of striving to be good enough. For me, it has been to try to earn the father’s blessing, or me not being ok unless everyone else is. Living with dysfunction that runs deep and at different levels in our childhood home feeds our own need to cope with the disappointment by trying to either fix things out of control or become complacent out of hopelessness. Neither of these work, and they are exhausting to try to save everyone and then see-saw to the other extreme.
We become a house divided against itself when we try to attain what God wants for us by our own crafty ways. Paul was doing this before his encounter with the Lord on the Damascus road. King Saul was doing this when he became torn between obeying God and doing what was best for his people in the long run and folding to the fickle appetites of his people who could not see past their own temporary hunger. He could not accept the fact that if he would just be himself and walk with God that what was best for his people would come forth, and he gave-in to their demands to hoard for themselves what God knew would cause massive repercussions in the years to come. We HAVE to come to that place where we realize that all we are and all of our worth is a gift from God, and we just have to trust Him that He is faithful not only to us, but to others that this effects, such as our family and friends. The Knowledge of Good and Evil is about OUR goodness, trying to be ‘good enough’. We already WERE good enough because God said so!! The serpent got Adam and Eve to believe that God was holding out on them and they were on their own now to obtain the Life that God intended for them. This is the nature of sin – self-preservation and the inherent desire to set-up our own system of checks and balances by which we may somehow arrive in the Promised Land – only to find that it’s not enough if we do make it by our own means. Everything that we are and are promised is wrapped in the fact that God chose us to bear His image and to cultivate this gratitude of His Sovereign Grace by loving others and fighting for the hearts of others. It is His free gift, and we can do nothing to revoke this, other than walk away from it and try it on our own.
The story of Jacob is the story of all of us. God gives a promise, we get excited, then we start to wonder why everything happening around us seems to be to the contrary. God is after our hearts. He wants us to believe without a doubt that His love is unconditional and the only thing we have to do is choose to believe it and walk in it. He will allow whatever hell on earth that He can without actually killing us to bring to death this inherent root of unbelief. This is what God has been doing with me these last four years. His Promises have seemed unattainable because of circumstances and because of limits in the natural realm such as finances, transportation, dependency on parents, opposition from family due to their own fear and them not understanding what’s going on, etc. You see, I was just like Jacob. I wanted to earn the blessing. Most importantly, a father’s blessing. I wrestled with my father and step father hoping they would give the ‘You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased’ over my life. I gave up on my dad and never forgave him during my teenage years when I needed exhortation, encouragment and direction the most, and then I gave up on my step father after he disconnected right when I was about to graduate high school and needed him the most. All along what I really wanted was the father’s blessing, and my screaming heart was crying out for something that they could not give. They never got that from their own fathers, so how were they going to give it to me. Not to mention the fact that my relational paradigm of needing approval from people meant that I did not truly honor but only paid lip service to try to earn love – earning love is manipulation plain and simple. In many ways the very things that I was so disappointed about, they had been in those shoes even worse. What began as a disappointment that my father has not given himself fully to God(after I forgave him and wanted the family to immediately follow suit) and my step father refusing to see eye-to-eye with me on spiritual things changed over the years from others(mainly my parents) being my enemy who were thwarting God’s promises to realizing that this all along is a part of His promise. I’ll never forget that day when instead of always feeling like a little boy around my step father, I saw him as a little boy longing for a Father’s blessing. He has it and I’ve seen it in his life, but like I have done so many times, the circumstances of our closest relationships are interpreted as us being given a NO to a Father’s blessing. I already have the Father’s blessing, now He wants me to show them the Father’s blessing. At my largest place of lack in my life God turned around and poured out a Father’s heart. He has called me to be a father, mainly spiritually(biologically too, but I kind of need to be married first). I never understood during those disappointing times when it seemed like I was always coming against this wall in my life or with my family, that God was not asking them to give me the approval I wanted or even asking me to have anybody’s approval, He was wanting me to be a person that He can entrust His approval for others onto. He wanted to share His heart through me more than to save the day for my dad or fix my mom and step father’s marriage so we won’t have a wounded household anymore.
A few years ago I asked the Lord what His dream was for my family, and His response was ‘Jacob, you are my dream for them’. The picture is so much bigger than just me attaining the promise. Jacob’s dream, though interpreted by him as his means of arriving and finally being ‘good enough’, was actually God’s dream to use what appeared to be a dashed and hopeless situation with the runt of the litter into the most breathtakingly beautiful story of a promise fulfilled and brothers truly reconciled. What appears to be the ruination of God’s plans, purposes, and promises for you and your family may actually be the Valley where the necessary heart overhaul is done and the you who God created and wants to come out will be Forged(Valley Forge is where the character that the Colonial American Army under George Washington was developed- and this was what would prepare them for ultimate victory).
So I’m thinking about the possibilities of what I can do this summer. The things I want to do are travel to Glacier, Yellowstone, Grand Teton, the Black Hills, and Colorado as well as visit my dad in Washington State. I also would like to have my own time to write, camp, explore, and just ‘be’ in the American West(which is what I’m wanting in visiting the previously mentioned places). The logistics issues are funding and a vehicle. The vehicle I am currently driving has over 346,000 miles and is a gas guzzler. It has been faithful, however, I need a more economical one. I also am going to either be able to save up by worker extra hard in Texas for a bit before embarking or finding a unique way to get funding by means of social blogging, travel writing, or just asking for support from people I know for a trip.
The point of the summer that I’m seeing is the possibility of researching into the history of the American West and visiting historical as well as scenic sites and writing about the natural and spiritual history of the regions. I see a picture being painted of complete perspective of what God sees and what the Adversary has done to deceive and attempt to train-wreck what God wanted for the regions and peoples involved. I believe that healing of the land will come through this sort of thing. Also, I want to visit my father and spend some more time with him, letting God heal up our relationship and give me more opportunities to show him the love of God that we all need. God is serious when He says to honor our parents, and I feel His heart on this for me to honor and spend more time with my dad.
Lord, please open the right doors and bring the right connections and bring clarity on what You would have me do! I know that You are faithful and Your plans for me will clearly lay themselves out. Thank You, that I don’t have to worry about getting this wrong, because You never fail me!
When Jesus said ‘It is finished’, He was not lying! The debt requirement of all mankind was paid in full. This does not excuse sin, it is payment and an open door to return to a Father who loves unconditionally and accepts us back right where we are. In my walk with God I have learned so hard lessons about believing that God’s grace is an excuse for sin or that He is soft on it, and as a result I sometimes have gone the other way and been so hard on myself that I won’t let go remember that I belong to Him. I don’t want to be separated from the Eternal Father, but what I am beginning to learn is that He has been with me this whole time and never left me. He has been faithful in His promises for me, and He can see the end from the beginning. He already knew the things I would be struggling with, and He finds purpose in those things to actually drive me deeper into Him in the long-run. He always gives me the choice, that has never once been usurped from me, but He always at the same time chooses to chase after me and never let me go even when I’m running in a full sprint from Him. That is how great my God is! If you have a relationship with God and you’ve felt like you’ve fallen away, or even if you don’t have a relationship with God and maybe have never been introduced to a real friendship with the Creator as a possibility, there is Good News. He no longer holds your sins or the sins of others that have effected you(i.e. parental divorce, family strife, abuse, betrayal, adultery and unfaithfulness in marriage, etc) against you. You don’t have to carry that anymore, just let go!! He wants to give you His righteousness and justify you by the means of clothing you in the garments of His only Begotten Son! You can do nothing to earn righteousness before Him, and you can do nothing to take back what you have already done wrong and what has been done wrong to you. However, Jesus took the punishment both for everything that you have done wrong as well as the shame that comes with it. Let go of trying to be good enough, of trying to earn love(love is a gift, manipulation is trying to earn love or approval). You were meant to find your meaning in God, not in whether you do bad or do good – that is vanity!! He calls you good because he made you, so let go of trying to identify yourself with your past mistakes and shame and watch an effortless change in you life come about as you begin to literally be transformed from the inside out! All you have to do is believe in His goodness, turn from sinful ways and trying to make it a go in life by your own means, and trust in His ability to work in you His goodness as you learn to walk with him and live from the inside-out instead of the outside-in. It really is so simple! It can be hard, I’m not saying that there aren’t times where you will need to give up things that are hard to let go of and trust God that He’ll take care of it in His own timing. But you don’t have to carry the burden anymore of trying to make people love you, of trying to earn acceptance, of trying to live to please others’ expectations while dying inside because you know who you are is being compromised. You can move forward in life with the responsibility over your life being between you and God alone, not what other people think or depending on whether people you love accept you or endorse what you do. Let others walk through their life and deal with God over their own issues. Don’t get entangled in blaming yourself for what somebody else has problems with, and don’t blame yourself for how others treat you. You can’t hold people together any more than you can hold your own life together. Your responsibility is to choose God and trust Him and love others or not to choose Him and deal with the consequences.
I’ve spent almost the last three weeks with my dad, and I’ve realized just how deceitful sin really is. I’ve spent the last four years holding things against my parents because behaviors that hurt wouldn’t stop, but I was totally blind to the fact that the irritation is made worse because I wouldn’t let go. I believe that there are levels of forgiveness, and I have as God convicts me continually forgiven people and released them. What has been hard is that I keep getting hurt and feeling treated the same way, but what if part of this being hurt is the fact that i’m still choosing to point my finger at them? I’ve continually held things against my dad and then I wake to the stark reality that I behave the same way. How long will I continually strive against man to avoid being hurt? It’s because I have refused to love my dad right where he is, even when the junk is still there. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to love him in the present. Part of the reason why I haven’t been loving him in the present is that I haven’t loved him from past memories, I’ve held against him things that have continually been done to me and not let go. So every time a behavior takes place that reminds me of past hurts and offenses I look at him AND God and myself through that old lense. Thank God that He is so gracious, merciful, and patient with me. He even has been using all the stuff I’ve been going through to bring about the Life that He wants in me and to teach me to love with His Love, not my own.
So I’m back from a full, adventuresome summer, and I have to say that I’m ready for it. I’m welcoming it. I had an amazing time in Colorado and was sad to be leaving it, but it’s time to move forward. I posted some notes on Facebook while I was gone, but I otherwise did hardly any writing or blogging while I was gone. A lot of what was going on I shared in the two Facebook notes, so I don’t feel I need to share from my heart what already has been shared. I was a little in shock at leaving at first because it seemed to go way too fast and I was not entirely ready to let go of the place. I had grown attached to the mountains, valleys, streams, and the awesome times that I was having. I could mountain bike, hike, stick my feet in ice-cold rivers to see how long I could take it. It truly was a full summer. I was sad that I had to say goodbye to people that I may never see again. I met a lot of cool people and wish I could have had more time to get to know them. My responsibilities at camp limited the possible time for this.
My job at the summer camp was very taxing and wore me out. I was going from Sunday at noon until Friday evening, usually starting at 7 am and going until 10 pm. I got a sinus infection the 4th week of camp and felt miserable but was able to get an antibiotic and recover by the next week. The next to the last week the coughing re-appeared(not the congestion or runny nose or light-headedness at least) and the antibiotic I got again did not work. Since I’ve come home the cough has significantly reduced, so I’m thinking a combination of conditions at high elevation and alot of wear and tear were contributing to it.
Now that I’m back, there is something new happening. I’m starting my internship at CSSM which I am very excited about. At least temporarily I will move back in to the same place that I was and look for a job in the south fort worth area. I have no idea what this coming year will look like, but I know it’s going to grow me and shape me and refine me. I’m feeling refreshed and ready to come into this season with a clear direction and vision. The emotions that I was feeling leaving Colorado seemed overwhelming as I was processing all that had happened, all that I would miss and was leaving, and all that I know I have to deal with coming back. Plus I finally felt the energy drop that is often felt towards the end of a trip. Today I got a good refresher and am integrated into being home where I need to be. I used to have a hard time re-integrating back into the normal routine after vacation trips or when I come back to Texas after spending the summer with my dad in Washington. I felt much the same this time, but this time I’m content that I’m where I’m supposed to be and at home in my heart.
I am so thankful that God is faithful and shows mercy time and time again even when I mess up in the same areas. I only see the tip of the iceberg of what He was up to this past summer, but I’m okay with that. Will I get to do something like that again? Maybe. I hope so. I always long for adventure and to be in the rugged country of the American West, really anywhere that signifies God’s grandeur and wildness. I long to go on a summer-long road trip across the U.S. I think that shall happen. Until then, I am where I am and I must live in these moments while never letting go of my dreams, which are countless.
jacobsadventures 